Saturday, September 8, 2007

Weighing my OPTIONS

I have not forgotten to write. I am just busy weighing my options. I am not a happy camper right now. I know there is much more to life than I am experiencing at the moment. At first, I wanted to just be quiet. My inner turmoil caused me to just want to SHUT UP!! I have realized that I am the captain of my destiny. I don’t have to do things that don’t make me happy. I just have to do what will promote my survival.
The positive aspects of this realization are that I am FREE to do what I want to do. I don’t have any kids. I don’t have a spouse. I don’t really have roots. I just want to be an artist, be able to pay my bills, and be happy. I am an artist. I can pay my bills with my current "day" job, but my day job sucks and I am not happy. I feel like I spend more than half of every day being attacked by a hive of bees. Really!! I come home each afternoon feeling like I have been swatting away killer bees for hours. The pace is too frantic. The sounds are those akin to an asylum. I want to go hide under a rock every day around 4:00pm. Needless to say, I am having a hard time making art. I am too busy dealing with the welts left behind from the day. It is time to weigh my options and make a decision. I have been bitching about this for two years! I am tired of my own whining. I have to do something DIFFERENT. I keep thinking about the idea of repeatedly doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome. Well I realize now, if you want a different outcome, you have to do things differently. Yeah…DUH DUH DUH! I hope I can figure out how I can do things differently and keep my house. That is my only fear. I guess I am trying to figure out which weighs more: house happiness or artist happiness. This is an interesting question. Yet, I WANT both.

4 comments:

self taught artist said...

I guess if it were easy everyone would be doing it....I feel for you. I'm on the other side of your dilema...I quit my job, became an artist and constantly obsess about the horror of working a job when I know it will drain me physically, emotionally and artistically...so I don't work and the stress freaks me out and I can't make art. It's a lose lose situation sometimes.
From what little I can gather from your blog, you are a strong, smart, willful person and it is easy for me to believe you will find a way sooner than not.
heck you could probably do great giving adult classes to 'normal' people either personally or through an art association...but that probably wont pay the bills.
anyhow, I wish you the best...(ps did you watch celebrity bull fighting this week? I thought of you when I saw it :)

Sheree Rensel said...

Paula,
I just have to say THANK YOU for the laugh!! After reading this comment, I laughed my ass off for a couple of reasons. First, I know EXACTLY what you mean. I have been there, done that too. I remember not having a "regular" job and teaching all kinds of classes at art centers for spare change. Shoot, I remember living in my studio/apartment in Detroit where I had to beat the sofa before I sat down to watch TV because I didn't want to suffocate the mice sleeping under the couch cushions. I remember YEARS of not being able to afford McDonalds! (This memory comes to mind because I had a date with a guy and asked him to PLEASE take me for a Big Mac!) Oh geesh, those were the "wonder years"!! That is why I have been whining about all this for TWO years. I am so afraid to go back there.
Oh and no, I missed "Celebrity Bullfighting"(?????) LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL However while putting Calamine lotion on all my "bee stings" today, I did catch the "Biggest Loser Season 2" marathon and got to watch people shrink before my eyes all in one afternoon! In fact, that was the inspiration for this post. I heard all these people talk about quitting their jobs after getting "skinny" to start their new lives as motivational speakers or start their own business or whatever. This made me realize how I have to get my butt in gear and do something different. I just don't want the difference to include german cockroaches or mice!!
LOL LOL LOL
Thanks so much for making me giggle!
Sheree

self taught artist said...

well, there is one more episode of celebrity bullriding, its on the CMT channel (166?). They will probably show all 5 or 6 episodes...half hr each.
I admire and appreciate all the years you have stuck with art, sounds like you have already done the starving artist thing and don't want to go back to it. I am only encouraged because having sold art for just two and a half years I have at least thripled my sales...in vt and you KNOW how it is here ;)
If I weren't a caretaker and had free rent I wouldn't be able to live this way, but I'm getting tired of not spending a DIME on anything. I don't mind being thrifty, I would be that way even I were rich...but I shouldn't have to stand at the grocery store weighing which can of tom. sauce is cheaper.
I love watching those stupid shows too...and I'm not vapid. NIce to find another person who gets it about reality shows!
(did you see flipping out?)

Sheree Rensel said...

Paula,
I thought you were joking about "Celebrity Bullriding"! NO! I would never watch anything with "celebrity" in the title let alone anything like bullriding. I only watch shows with ordinary people. In fact, the only reality shows I have watched are Biggest Loser, Project Runway, Top Chef, and now, Flipping Out. Ice Road Truckers was a reality show, but that was kind of different.
Also, I know what you mean about going to the grocery store and having to think before you buy. I remember doing that all the time. That is another positive about having my current job. Still "weighing" thing out here!
Sheree