Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Where is this going?

Oh my goodness. Here I am all into changing my life and trying to take steps to make this happen. I love the analogy “How do you eat an elephant”? The answer is: One bite at a time! Well, I have been trying to find out what to bite first. I will be honest. Right now, I am overwhelmed. I have been researching artists and potential art lifestyles. For those who read my blog, you know I have spoken of coming changes often. Trying to get some kind of control in my life, I decided to weigh all the options. I don’t want to just QUIT my day job. I don’t want to be that stupid. Therefore, I am looking around and trying to figure out the truth of what I want my reality to be in the next ten or twenty years without throwing out the baby with the bath water.
I can say this because I came to my current job through the back door. I had been an artist-in-residence in school situations for years. I NEVER had aspirations to be a teacher. One day, I just showed up at an interview as an artist and for whatever reason, I got hired as a teacher. Consequently as the years flashed forward, I got the credentials to become “legal”. I have so appreciated this opportunity and experience. I think the last 15 years have been magical most times. Yet in the bottom of my heart and soul, I know it is time for a change.
I started to sniff around for new job opportunities. I looked through the classifieds for the first time in fifteen years! I found an Artist-in-Residence job. I figured this job would allow me to figure out if I wanted to quit teaching or quit teaching the kind of kids I teach. In other words, I am tired of being told to "F" off when I tell them to get their projects out. I am tired of being told all kinds of other extremely vile things just because I showed up for work. I don't deserve or desire this kind of life.
I sent my resume, applied for the job, and I got a call for an interview today. I was excited. I spoke to the coordinator and started to plan an interview date. When I asked her where I would need to go for the interview, she stated it was at a rec center in the same area of town as my school. She continued to explain she needed an artist who would help kids create a mural at this community center. Stunned and disappointed, I realized this was not the job for me. This rec center hosts the same kids (or their relatives) that I teach now. I want new experiences!
I guess I have to move away. I don’t want to do that either. For some weird but true reason, I keep thinking about my kitchen. I spent months to mosaic my kitchen. I have such an emotional attachment to this room and all my rooms. The saddest part of all is that I feel like if someone else moved into my house, the first thing they would do is tear the mosaic wall down.
What the hell should I do….?????
I will figure it out. I will.

I have had my house for six years.
In that time, I have made many “artistic” improvements.
If I have to move away, I will feel so sad.
I am not sure others will appreciate and keep the changes I have made.


Mad William said...

I can so relate to your position. For what it's worth. I love the kitchen.

Best of luck in your search. I will keep an eye open for you.

self taught artist said...

it always sucks to leave things when we get them the way we like em, but after seeing the car..and this, wherever you go you will always create...I'd encourage you to go for it :)

Sheree Rensel said...

Thanks for the encouragement William and Paula!
William, I totally understand why you understand what I am going through. You are making some big changes too!
Paula, you are right. I am creative no matter where I go. However I am at the point now, I want to keep building on what I have done instead of starting all over again and again and again. You know?
We will see what happens!