Friday, September 21, 2007

Why I am going INSANE

After all this yadda yadda yadda about how I hate my day job, I know there is something that tells me deep down inside I am where I am supposed to be. I know, I know! You are probably thinking she is friggin whack! Let me explain. OK… Lets look at the positives. I get a decent paycheck. I have a lot of days off due to holidays and summer. I have health insurance. Yes, it is very, very hard changing hats when I get home from work. It is either a matter of being so tired OR just needing more time to switch hats. If I have two or three days, the switch happens. The most important bit of data is these “lost kids” respond to this old lady. They think I am funny. They think I am kinda cool or OK. They listen and remember my life wisdom advice. For whatever reason, they give me hugs, run to me, tell me stories about what they remember about experiences in my art room, and finally, they remember me even after becoming an adult and starting the next generation of struggling kids.
The reason my life search is going in this direction is because I got an email from a “self-supporting” artist whose work I admired. I saw her work via a magazine article I read. When I saw her work online, I thought ..”This is a really great compromise!” It doesn’t look like hotel art. It is abstract, but in a way I can relate. So I emailed her. To my surprise, she thanked me for my compliments, but there was an edge in the text. She spoke of my resume, how hard it has been for her to be a “self supporting” artist, and there was an unspoken feeling of “I wanna be you too.”
So here we are. I wanna be her. She wants to be me. I think we both want to be someone in the middle. Needless to say, this email made me think big time. I have a lot going for me. I few “F*** YOU B**** or S*** MY D***!!!” comments that I hear from my students daily is not going to kill me. For anyone reading this who might be offended by this language, I am sorry. If it offends you, here is a wake up call. I hear this from kids even in lower elementary (Grades 1-3) It gets more creative in grades 4-12. As long as I don’t get hurt physically, I think it might be OK. However, I hear these words EVERYDAY in various scenarios. After those words, I get pushed around, verbally/physically assaulted now and then. Ironically, I am expected to get them caught up on their lessons two or three classes later when they come back to class. None of this is a big deal to me. I have done this long enough to realize this seems to be the plan. It isn't right. It isn't just. I just is.
Do you blame me for thinking about whether it is worth it????
Remember…On this blog, I am thinking on my feet. We will see.


1 comment:

self taught artist said...

i certainly don't care if today you say you love your job and tomorrow you hate it and then you need it and want it and blah blah blah.
it's your life and you've made it this's a good thing me thinks to stand on the edge and wonder about jumping somewhere else. even if you dont do it change is coming, it's inevitable.
i think you are one smart lady and talented to boot.