Monday, May 26, 2008

Art Blog: Square One

Have you ever experienced a moment in your life when you wanted to either slap or shake yourself silly? I have. In fact, I feel like that right now. I want to grab myself and scream "SNAP OUT OF IT!!!!!" I mentioned in yesterday’s blog entry, I am going through a passage. I am truly hoping this is the dark before the dawn. Right now, I am not comfortable in my own skin.
I have been trying to figure out what is going on. I don’t feel grounded. I feel like I am moving a thousand directions, yet going nowhere fast. I had a thought yesterday as I sat out on the patio. I realized this is the first time in 24 years I am truly free at least to make the decision to do whatever I want. This is why I was entertaining the idea of moving yesterday. FREE AGAIN!!! I have always treasured my freedom and independence. That is why I have been single most of my life. I didn’t have my daughter until I was thirty years old. That put a little kibosh on my free spirit nature. I thought I was freewheeling, but she slowed me down a bit. In many ways, I am thankful for that. Having her made me responsible and bit more serious. I am so glad she has been a part of my life.
She left a few years ago. I was never one of these “empty nester” mothers. In fact, I helped her pack just so she could leave faster. LOL LOL To be honest the first two years after her departure, I still wasn’t alone. She lived elsewhere, but had a foot in my door for a while. Despite my disapproval, I still was holding some financial strings like the last threads of the umbilical cord. Now, she is firmly planted in another city and is a true adult. No strings attached anymore. I thought about this yesterday. Then I realized her graduation to adulthood plays a role in what is going on with me right now. I am back to “square one”. My mind flashed to 1982 before I became pregnant.

Back then, I was making my art, being an artist, and just being Sheree. I did what I want, when I wanted. I just realized I am back there. I am all alone again. It just feels so weird.
I went out into my studio and looked around. Holy macaroni!! What a mess!! This state of chaos is common this time of year. When I am finishing up work projects, I let things pile up. Just looking at the resulting mess, makes me tired. So the first thing on the agenda in the next few weeks is to get busy cleaning, organizing, and overhauling my studio. I have to do something to get out of this blue funk!! SLAP SLAP SLAP!! Get it together Sheree or I will shake you silly!!

If cleanliness is next to Godliness,
I better do something fast
before I go to HELL.

Gnarls Barkley (my favorite) says it best:
"Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe you're crazy
Maybe we're crazy


Mad William said...

What a time. We get to rediscover ourselves.

My studio is usually somewhat orderly. I believe a good studio needs a bit of chaos. I think it helps the flow of creativity. Or something.

Sheree Rensel said...

He's ALIVE!! He's ALIVE!!!! Oh gee whiz William. I have been so worried about you. As you know I follow your blog. I think about you all the time. I guess we are both going through "life shifts". That's OK. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger....ahhhhhh Right? Tell me I am right William!! LOL LOL LOL
Stay strong buddy!!

Sheree Rensel said...

P.S. Oh I forgot!
William, I tend to be a bit OCD, so to see my studio like this practically sends me into an emotional frenzy. I am one of those people who has to have every brush and jar in order to even start to paint. YIKES! I gotta get it together here. This too will happen. :-)

Anonymous said...

Hello Sheree,
When I ponder on the moments I have spent in that lost and worthless dimension, it takes me back to a feeling perhaps uncomfortable and unwilling to step through objectively. Hence my life before the steps was like I thought...normal so far as I could tell. But I came face to face recently with a place where clutter, and a realization that perhaps I have been living with a hint of urine smell in my closets for years. It's not the scene that disturbs me but the openess of my mind to notice it, and desire to walk through it. I am and have been suffering with liver disease for almost a year now with the proper and thankfully the working chemotherapy. I sometimes look at my paint-brushes, and my paper closets, and open my acrylic paint droors, and suddently I am face to face with me again. Some of us are just meant to be where we are alone, and free to be artists. Even if that process and ocupation is dispised by the majority of common corporate America. Good blog, great journals, lets communicate.


Sheree Rensel said...

First, I am so sorry about your illness. I know this must be so difficult for you. This is one thing I am reminded of constantly. In fact, I feel guilty for feeling down. At least, I have my health. I know for sure this is the most important thing there is to have.
Second, I am not really sure how to understand your comment. Typing is so nebulous sometimes. You comment about being alone struck me. I am alone on purpose. I LOVE being alone. I love it. I remember when I was a little girl, I would make up excuses NOT to play with friends who came by. I just like being with me. That isn't a problem for me. It is an asset.
I think it is good I am reevaluating things right now. It is a great thing. Introspection and discomfort brings change. I am ready for some changes. I really am.
Thanks for your comment!

akulagirl said...

hi there. just came across your blog, and wanted to say i love that pic of you and friend from '82. what a defining moment!!

good luck on your journey. i may have to catch up on some of your other posts to learn a bit more about it.

all the best.

Sheree Rensel said...

Thanks so much for reading my blog!!! :-)
The coolest thing about the picture of me and Gilda is that we are still friends to this day. In fact, she is the only friend I have ever had for so long. I love her to death. Even though we met in college, it seems we grew up together.
Thanks again for the kind words!!