Sunday, May 25, 2008

Art Blog: The WALL

I have been talking so much about being free. No attachments! Free as a bird! Happy-go-lucky! Kicking my heels up and experiencing the world! NOT! During this time of reflection, I have contemplated chucking it all. I have been poor before. I have lived like a bohemian. However, even though I mentioned being back to square one yesterday, I really can’t go back. I have STUFF now. I have no diamonds or pearls. Even my house is a tiny bungalow. I am not talking millions here. In fact, the things I prize are worthless to many. However, they mean the world to me.
I have been thinking about moving(?) You know the part about “shaking myself silly”. Well, I thought maybe I should sell my house and move somewhere, anywhere, do something different, anything!!!! However, every time I think that thought, the first thing that pops into my mind is my WALL. This is the first house I have even owned. I had always been a renter. I bought this house in 2001. For about a year and a half, all I did was work and change this place to be my artistic house. I had stored up visions for decades. I need to have all those pictures in my head come to fruition. So I worked, painted, tore down, put up, and created my own creative nest.
One thing that took me nearly a year to complete was my kitchen wall. I made tiles and intentionally cracked them. I hoarded baubles and beads. I collected dishes and smashed them to smithereens. I glued and grouted and polished until it was done. I FINALLY had my mosaic kitchen wall. I guess it took more out of me than I thought. OR, maybe I put more into it than I ever imagined.

I don’t want to leave this silly kitchen or my stupid wall. The figurative and literal connotations of this dilemma are funny and sad all at the same time. I mean, think about it. A wall keeps you out or it keeps you in. It creates a barrier. It keeps the boogie man out. It keeps you safe. Right now, I have hit the WALL, so to speak. I have made a little mosaic wall that I wanted for so long and don’t want to give it up. Yes, I could make another one, but that makes me exhausted just thinking about it. Also, it would never be the same. I don’t recall ever being this needy. I have never been so attached and possessive of anything until now. I have a specific (neurotic) feeling of CLING to this kitchen wall. Is it time to move on? The thought makes me nauseous. Yes, I have it bad!!! Maybe moving isn’t the answer. Back to the drawing board.


Noe said...

Hello Sheree,

I too have walls that I painted in a deep and very productive manic depression. It seems that everytime I have made decisions based on that principle of outlet, I can later come back and look at the stains on my carpet and just marvel at the worthlessness of it all...


Sheree Rensel said...

Oh geesh...I don't even know for sure how to respond to this comment. It sounds so dark. If you didn't mean it to be, please correct me.
Let me tell you something about mental illness. If you read this blog, you know I am a friend to all the syndromes, spectrums, and diagnosis. SHOOT!! Why so you think I work at a CRAZY school. It is because they are my people!! LOL
When I was born, they didn't say "IT'S a GIRL!", they said "SHE IS DEPRESSED" (among many other things)LOL LOL LOL
I have lived with this kind of crap for decades. I don't take any drugs for it (anymore). I just deal with it in a way I have learned works for me.
I don't advocate this method for anyone else. I am speaking for myself.
I started this blog as a way to cleanse the emotional issues of being me, an artist. It really does help and saves me bunches of money on therapy bills. I know myself well. I know I go in cycles. It truly is a roller coaster. I will go up, up, and up (manic mania). Then, I go down, down, down, (Boo Hoo posts).
Even though I show the chinks in my armor, I am still standing. I know this. I love it. I will be just fine. You will be too.
Stay strong,