Saturday, June 7, 2008


I read somewhere the idiom “Hold your horses” comes from the days of the circus coming to town. As they began to unload the elephants, someone would yell “HOLD YOUR HORSES!!” to all those onlookers who watched sitting in their saddles. Sounds plausible to me. I heard that warning in my head yesterday as I started cleaning my house. Things are happening too fast and I feel anxious. Trying to figure all this out will take time and even as I toil away trying to make my environment more orderly, my mind is working too. It is trying to make order out of what should happen next.
My moods change from hour to hour. One minute, I am hopeful and enthusiastic. An hour later, I am thinking about going to the store, getting enough alcohol to put me in a coma, and calling it a life. Of course, I didn’t do that because I realize right now I need to be as clear headed as ever so I can figure out what my plan of action should be.
My last post asked “What will make me a happy artist?” As I washed dishes and did laundry, I started making a mental list. What makes me happy now? One thing that makes me joyful is my little house. I love this little bungalow. It is the first home I have ever owned and it feels like MINE. Also, I love St. Petersburg. No, it is not an art mecca by a long shot, but it is so nice here. OK, that is two points for happiness. It is my job I hate.
After working all day on my house, I started to settle down and watch some evening TV. No sooner did I get comfortable and a bolt of lightning hit something in the neighborhood. The whole street turned dark. I got my little battery operated radio out and listened to oldies. As I waited and waited for the lights to turn back on, I had to time to really stop and think. It occurred to me that I have always had the knack of making money. I have always been able to get a job. I have had hundreds of NON-teaching jobs and paid my bills with the proceeds. So, I need time to think about this more. Maybe I could stay here and do something like work at a hardware store or something. To use another idiom, I want to think this through thoroughly because I don’t want to
“throw the baby out with the bath water!”

I want to leave my job.
I don’t want to leave the good parts of my life.

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