Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Art Blog: Psychology of WHY

This blog is really for me. It provides me an outlet to speak and saves money on SHRINK bills. It is icing on the cake that others read and respond. Although, it would be just fine if it laid silent. I hear my own Yak-Yak-Yak. I am one of my own readers. It might take a day or two, but I log on and read all this drival. It is a way to make my thoughts concrete and visible. Even though I am a visual artist, I am a very wordy girl too. I was always encouraged to be a writer in high school. My English teachers gave a nod to my art, but thought writing would be a more practical occupation. Obviously, I didn’t listen to them either.
This little mini makeover is turning out to be so interesting for me. I was thinking about my “personal responsibility” post and started to put 2 + 2 together. I wondered why I have stayed at my job at the crazy school for so long. Besides doing what we WANT like I mentioned in my last post, we also do what we NEED. Of course, I needed a job. Of course, I liked the perks. However, I also wanted to fulfill my psychological needs through this kind of work. I see it as unfinished business. I grew up in a chaotic situation. As soon as I began working with emotionally disturbed kids (who I absolutely adore), I had this understanding of some of their quirks and idiosyncrasies. Also working in an unpredictable, loud, emotionally charged environment has been a comfort zone all my life (until now).
For the past 50 years, I would live out the pandemonium, then run to my bedroom (or some room) and hide. I would paint or make stuff or play TEACHER (by myself) to drown out the crazymakers. For the past 15 years, I have done exactly what I did as a kid. I set myself up in situation matching my childhood memories and then I would run home, hide, and make my art. This house is like a big, grown up hiding place.
FINALLY, I have had a monumental revelation. This is BIG. I don’t need to do this anymore. When I started teaching at this special ed school, I was depressed and felt the commonality. I am not like that anymore. I am over it. I don’t hold my childhood memories close to my breast or have the desire to relive the trauma. Oh my goodness. I realized I have perpetuated this for too many decades. It is done now. It is over. I don’t need trauma and chaos anymore. That is a huge thing for me to realize. I am actually a happy person and want to work in a happy environment. Geeeeeeesh. For me, that idea is HUGE. Do you know how much money I would have to pay therapists to realize this???? LOL LOL LOL


Click Pic to Enlarge
“Stepfather”
Acrylic/Copper on wood
Sheree Rensel, ARTIST

Click here to enlarge and read ”Stepfather” text
I have created very few art works that relate directly to my childhood.
It is a long story. All I can say is there are still people living.
I have always wanted it to stay a secret.
This is one of the few pieces I have created relating to a childhood thought.
No, I didn’t want him dead.
It was just all too normal for things to be this weird.
That’s all.

No comments: