Friday, July 18, 2008

Art Blog: Screw it?

So.....Not having a good computer is a good thing and a bad thing. I have to appreciate the fact I can at LEAST get on the internet. However, the computer I am using is so old it takes forever for commands to respond. It isn’t my connection. In fact, the reality is when this computer was made, this type of connection wasn’t even available. Therefore, my little computer keeps having to “think” about everything. I became so frustrated, I gave up. I have cut my computer time immensely. I just check my email and then go do other things. This might not be such a bad idea. However, I couldn’t take it anymore and struggled to write this post.
Gilda wrote me the other day and mentioned she saw some of my art on an art marketing website. I told her I have my art all over the place. That doesn’t really mean squat. I have seen no difference in sitting here in my studio doing work alone and anonymously as compared to doing the work and shouting loud in the internet universe. Nobody asks questions. Nobody makes comments. Nobody has bought anything. Nobody does jack. I finished my response email to her saying something like “I am just going back to my old ways. This art marketing stuff is making me crazy. Also, I feel like I am a total failure.”

NOW, I know this was the drama queen speaking. Even though I toss around the idea of just quitting being an artist, that is just bullshit and not even in the realm of possibility. The only time I will quit being an artist is when I am lying dead on the floor. Also, the failure part is a bit over the top. I know I am not a failure. I know I have accomplished a whole lot in my art lifetime. I haven’t failed at all. Yet, when I read magazines and accounts of all these artists who are “making it”, I start to shrivel in a little ball. I think “SCREW IT!”

Yeah, I know I am in a mood. My rational side is really kickin my butt right now. I start to go to my studio and my "BLACK MUSE" nemesis whispers in my ear “Oh, so you are going to make more shit to clutter up your house??” OMG!!! I just hate when I get into that kind of mindset. Yet, I have to be honest and say there is a teeny part of me that is about to take the Black Muse for a drink and toast to all his years of caveats and teasing. I think I am starting to agree with him. All this is so scary to me. I am not a fledgling artist saddened by unrealized expectations. I sold my first painting in 1968. Art has been about my whole life. This is the first time ever, I felt the futility of it all. Yes, it is very frightening. I feel like I am going nowhere fast.


“Going Nowhere Fast” by Sheree Rensel

ADDENDUM:
At this moment, this is my life theme song. SIA, "Breath Me":

1 comment:

This Brazen Teacher said...

I am obsessed with this song! Great artists think alike ;-)

cheers,
Brazen