Friday, September 19, 2008

Art Blog: HONESTY

One of the most important things to me is being honest on this blog. Oh yes! I can be full of myself sometimes. I have a right to be confident. I have accomplished a lot in my life. I don’t have any regrets, really. There have been things that I wonder about. You know the “What if I had done this or that….” kind of things. However for the most part, I have stayed the course and done well.
Yet I have to be brutally honest. As I work to change my life, all kinds of old, tired insecurities are popping up. As I wrote this past week, I have been working extremely hard to make changes. I am looking at a weekend worth of hours working on the computer, writing, editing, revising, and making every word count while preparing new applications. I am not stupid. I know for sure what I am trying to do is very dicey. I mean the competition for the type of job I want is astronomical. Rationally, this reality does not faze me. I am going for it full force. However, there is the other side of the equation. The emotional side is bringing me to my knees. I think this is true because I fear the rejection.
As I researched and prepped for my applications, I heard that little voice. It is an awful voice:
“WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?” “YOU REALLY THINK THEY WILL HIRE YOU?” “MY GOODNESS, YOU ARE DELUSIONAL!” “WHY WOULD ANY COLLEGE ART DEPARTMENT EVEN CONSIDER YOU?” “YOU ARE TOO OLD!!” “YOU HAVE BEEN WORKING WITH K-12 STUDENTS TOO LONG!” “YOUR EXHIBITION RECORD SUCKS!” “YADDA, YADDA, YADDA, SIS BOOM BA!”
None of this is true. It is just an inner voice trying to dissuade me from doing what I want and need to do. I call this voice the BLACK MUSE. I have written about it before. The black muse’s voice comes into my head whenever I am feeling fragile. I even did a little poster about him and it hangs in my studio. I wrote some text about who it is and what it says to me in my head. I can go long periods of time and never think of the Black Muse. It surfaced today.
Not only am I scared about moving away from my home and finding a new job but there is a part of me that wants to fight the Black Muse to prove it wrong. I hear myself yelling back in a strong voice:
“Shut up! You know I am so good at what I do!” “You know it!” “Any college would benefit from my teaching skill and abilities!” My dedication alone is something to prize!” “So just be quiet B Muse! BE QUIET!”





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2 comments:

dryadrat said...

I call it the monkey voice, always chattering, nothing good to say...

Sheree Rensel said...

Monkey voice?? That is funny!! I think we all have this to one degree or another. We just have to learn to ignore it or at least, tell it where to go!
:-)