Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Art Blog: Losing FAITH

I wrote this post last night and I hesitated putting it up. I have got to get my head screwed back on right. I am so off track spiritually and emotionally. Working, applying for new jobs, and trying to get back up to speed with all my artist's work is not only making me crazy, I feel as if I am in a permanent bad mood. The catalyst for this post started with my daily horoscope:

Ambitious Aggression
Virgo Daily Horoscope
Your ambitious drive today may lead you to act aggressively as you pursue your goals. You may feel like being forceful, but remember that there is only so much in your power. We can control our own actions and reactions, but we cannot control those of others. We can take steps toward achieving our goals, but we cannot control the outcome. When we remember that we co-create our lives with the universe, we realize that we must work with energy that has already been set in motion.

Oh and then I got this WORD OF THE DAY:
otiose \OH-shee-ohs; OH-tee-\, adjective:
1 : producing no useful result : futile 2 : being at leisure : idle 3 : lacking use or effect : functionless

HA!!!! What timing!!! If I apply this word to my life like the nuns encouraged me to do, I could make up this sentence:
Sheree’s otiose attempts at applying for a new job are laughable.
Gosh, I just have to stop this mind pollution!!

Literally since I was five years old, I have viewed myself as one who held the potential for greatness and assured promise. I have no idea why I came to that conclusion as a kindergartener who was the eldest child of two alcoholics. I guess watching them with my baby eyes; I thought bigger and better thoughts. Who knows?
Anyway, I was talking to a dear friend yesterday and telling her how I have applied for six jobs in the past six weeks. The response has been a deafening SILENCE. At this point, I almost look forward to a rejection letter because it would confirm I am alive!
This should not be a big deal. Yes, Yes, Yes, I know. It might take a year or two or three to get my dream job. I mean, I might have to apply to 25, 50, or 100 jobs before I get a response. Therefore, I just have to tell SHEREE to toughen up, girl!!!!

The scariest part is for the very first time in my life, I have felt the futility of it all. I have had thoughts that my dream job will never materialize. Ever. Maybe my current job is a “life sentence”. Oh stop it Sheree! Stop it!! This is my biggest problem at this moment. I am losing faith.
This is a very, terrible dilemma. I mean if you lose faith, hope, and the enthusiasm for all the tremendous, Universal possibilities, what is left? I told my friend my spirit feels like I am covered in a blanket soaked in mud. I can feel the soggy weight pulling down my spirit. Usually, I am not like this. I have always been buoyant and full of hope. I know for sure my life transitions never reflected normal paths. I have always had things work out in positive ways that I cannot explain. I have always attributed this to my positive energy and the ways of the UNIVERSE. However, right now, this minute, I feel like I have lost this attention and deliberation in my life. There is this little part of me that says my turn is up. This little, quiet voice in the back of my mind is feeding me terrible thoughts. It is continual. It is frightening. It is sad. NO NO NO!!! I haven’t even started to show my true colors! In fact, I am better equipped now to do so much good work. I have so much knowledge and experience. Please don’t leave me by the side of the road. Please don’t!
My inner psyche is yelling, screaming, and trying to fight the negativity. Globs of mud are flying as I flail my arms. I can do this, just give me the chance. Please!

I am a kick ass girl. I always have been. For some reason, I am down and out right now. I just want to say “UNCLE”. I have been derailed. Due to the lack of notice from my job applications a whole stream of new condemnations have come to the forefront of my mind. My friend told me to stop it. Stop this negative train of thought. I so, so, so agree. I know better. However, when you spend hours upon hours, days upon days, and weeks upon weeks, months upon months trying to change your life, send those efforts off, and get absolutely no response, the emotional pain is more than excruciating. It is really hard to maintain any kind of faith or trust in the Universe. This state of panic is huge for me. I have to BELIEVE. I just have to. Otherwise, forget about it.
Come on Sheree. Pick yourself up and move on. Geesh!! Just do it now!

"Found Faith" by Sheree Rensel
Click pic for detail view
The five year old in you is shaking her head in amazement. Get it together for her sake!
Don’t let her down!


self taught artist said...

okay number one, tell me more about 'found faith'. what is the side made out of? what is all this? I really dig this piece and I want to know more about the work.

it is EASY for others to look at someone and see cuz we aint in your fog yeah?...also easy to see things because we dont have to deal with the shit of the person fuming. so my puny take is this: maybe you aren't supposed to go teach. I'm sure without a single doubt if you keep trying and applying you will eventually get a job. and i dont necessarily believe everything is supposed to be handed to us on a platter the second we ask BUT maybe the universe is waiting for you to walk a little further into the unknown before it meets you half way. maybe it is time for a completely new chapter. what that is? only your higher self knows. I hope you dont take offense at this comment..i know you write this blog just for you to let it out, but I wanted to maybe give you a little support the only way I know how.

i commiserate with you and send you good energy to let go, allow, move towards whatever it is.

self taught artist said...

i just went to you website, i was showing tod your lost souls (you've added more!) and your wizzlewoof work and was THRILLED to see you have them on totes. I want one!!!!! Please know when I have what I feel to be extra income I am getting something. good job!!!!
any chance you might put some on a t shirt?
THIS IS WHERE YOU are just a tiny leap from being that person the five year old knew you to be.

sheree's otiose attempts at getting a teaching job was really just the universe saying you could do something different if you want!
again, hope i'm not overstepping...maybe you really really really want to teach so i should shut up and support THAT :)

dryadart said...

I can relate to your negativity this week, except for me its fatigue... I have a reoccurring image that pops up in my work when I am on empty, and she's back...

Anyway, I'm sorry if I implied you were ranting, I meant that I was! I often am, I am trying hard, very hard not to be that woman anymore.

I hope you get teh monkey off your back, the girls on my daughters track team like to shake like dogs when they have these days, you look so funny you can't help but laugh, would probs look even funnier if you are not a fit, adorable teenager track athlete!! maybe give it a try!

Tracy said...

I thought of two things Sheree, when I read this post. First of all, there are so many variables when applying for a job (just like trying to get gallery representation), as to why an applicant doesn't get hired or even contacted (maybe the hiring process is a long one, internal meetings, many applicants, etc). Second, hello! the US is crazy right now! I don't think anyone knows what to do concerning long range business plans including hiring teachers. Don't take all this so personally, I think there is much more going on with all of this, that doesn't really have anything to do with you personally (I am very quick to look at myself in these situations, and 9 times out of 10 it has zippo to do with me).

I hope you'll relax and maybe put together a plan b just in case, something that will help you feel better and will keep you busy. And heck, just make some art, that will certainly make you feel better.

Sheree Rensel said...

Paula (Self Taught),
I wrote you a personal email.

Sheree Rensel said...

Deb (dryadart),
I think we all go through "weird" times. Don't apologize for making the rant comment. I totally understand. However the reason I said it wasn't a RANT was because I was very aware of this perception as I wrote the posts. I didn't want to whine. I was just presenting my own observations. Yes, I do feel frustrated, but I was trying hard to present my thoughts in an unemotional manner.
I too hope the monkey jumps off my back. I hate this! Oh, I have a long history of calling this feeling "shaking the bars" of an imaginary jail cell. I have shaken. However for me, I don't want to SHAKE. I want to just move forward without a shiver.

Sheree Rensel said...

Oh my gosh, you are so correct!! I have sat on hiring committees. I know! I really know! In fact, I see the hiring process as a kind of lottery. Your CV/resume and overall credentials allows you to buy the ticket. That's all. When you are called and confronted to the sit in front of the committee, you are judged on all kinds of stuff that has absolutely nothing to do with the job requirements. People look and think about how you would fit into the job community; the committee wonders how you will fit into their department or what you would do in the position; they react to their perceptions of your age or race or geographic background. A lot of what happens is not logical. To be honest, they hire who they LIKE. It doesn't matter if that person is of lesser quality.
This might be why I am in a panic mode. I do have experience. I do have abilities. However, it really boils down to "Will they like me?" Seeing that I haven't gotten even a peep of interest, I am coming to the conclusion nobody LIKES me already. Not good. Not good. Not good.

merci33 said...

i don't know you, just found my way over to your site... however i can say, one artist plugging away, to another artist plugging away...i like you. i like that you know that you have a five year old who loves art art art art art art and that harold and maude are your friends and that you have the guts n gumption to call it like you see it...and as uncle al (e=mc2) says 'insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result'...i don't know you but you sound quite sane, in a wonderfully artistic, joyfully zany way. and your work has soul n heart. even though i don;t know you that's what comes across.

Sheree Rensel said...

Oh merci33!! If you are anything like this comment, I LOVE you!! These words made me laugh and laugh. One thing that made me giggle was your mention of my sanity. My last bouts with a therapist ended this same way. She told me that she had taken into account every thing I have told her for months and she concluded I am not crazy at all. In fact, she diagnosed me as very sane! LOL LOL LOL
Thank you so much for these kind words. It made my day for sure!!