Friday, November 7, 2008

Art Blog: Art Life Patterns

“Illegitimi non carborundum”
This is a hokey phrase that supposedly means
“Don’t let the bastards get you down!”

It isn’t true latin. In a way, it is street jargon made to sound important. I don’t care. I will use it here. This is a phrase that is mot juste (perfect for the occasion).

It is happening again. In fact, this sequence of events is all too familiar to me. As I have said many times before, I think a lot of my problems are my own problems. It is my temperament and sensitivity. They are my demons.

OK. In the last two months, I have applied for six jobs. I have heard not a whisper. Nothing. Without sounding totally egotistical, I have to say this is really shocking to me. It isn’t I am the end all and be all of anything. I just have to say, I am really good at what I do. I know this one thing for sure. I have the history, data, and resume to prove it. Even though I have expressed my soft spots here, I know this one thing to be true. I am a super, kick ass teacher of students of any age. College students think I am an oddity, but they respect me. I know this because they produce work that is really great via my facilitation. Also by mid semester, half of them are wearing some funky things that I wore on the first day of class! LOL This is a sign they respect me and what I represent. This is a good thing! Yet, no job calls. No job anything.

The deadening silence is getting to me. Oh come on now. I am not even on the short list?? Geesus!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! At first, I think screw them! Then, I start to mull. I realize nobody wants me. I am not good enough. I am too old? Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Yep. I get stuck there.
So, I found another job post. It is in Louisiana. I don’t know why, but I keep getting this internal signal to go to Louisiana. This has been happening for a few years. At first, I thought about New Orleans. After doing research, I trashed that idea. N.O. is just too dicey for me right now. I was born and raised in Detroit. That is enough urban excitement for me. This new job post is a bit away from N.O. However, I started to think about applying and I STOPPED dead in my tracks. I looked at the job post and thought “What is the point?” Not good. Not good Sheree! All the old crap surfaced. I heard the “Black Muse” voice. He said:

“You have already applied for six jobs and nobody is even paying attention. They don’t want you. You are a loser. You are too old. You are never going to fulfill your dream to be a college professor. Don’t even try! LOL LOL”

This scares the shit out of me. The reason I titled this post PATTERNS is because this is a repetitive thing with me. I tend to get all enthusiastic about something; put all my energy and life on the line; get rejected; then want to hide under a rock. I have to stop doing this. Why am I sabotaging myself like this? When I am ignored, I don’t understand why. Then, I want to crawl into a hole and say F&%* it all!!! In fact, I wish if I am being rejected, they would tell me WHY. I have no idea why. I really don’t. I have the goods. I have the knowledge. I have the history. I have the energy. Yet, I have no job offers. Nothing. Nada. Zilch! I will not let them get me down. I will not. I am good to go and if they don’t want me, “Oh well too bad, so sad!”

“Illegitimi non carborundum”

I won’t let THEM get me down. I am applying and applying and applying and applying until I die. At LEAST when my pulse has stopped, it can be said she did the very best to reach out for her DREAM.

This is just one sources of my frustrations. I know I am being noticed. I don’t just stuff a resume in an envelope and call it a day. I spend hours making job packets. I know for sure I am getting noticed. However, I am not getting the type of attention needed to make them say “We want HER.”. I don’t know what else I can do. Suggestions welcomed.


self taught artist said...

At the risk of sounding cold, at least you have a job! you ARENT A LOSER, you have a job you have a job you have a job.

having said that, i hear you. i get it. i can't keep up with what you want to teach, college...high school...etc, but all i can think of is charter schools...or more elite places that aren't in the whacked school system.
then again, i think you should make them come to YOU to learn. i have an artist friend here that teaches french and painting to kids and families from her own home/studio.
just a thought.

good luck
these are tough times

Sheree Rensel said...

I think you misinterpreted the tone and purpose of this post. I guess I didn't write clearly enough.

Yes, I have a job and I have mentioned being thankful about that many times in many posts. Yes, I know I am not a loser. I didn't say that, the "Black Muse" did. That is the irrational inner voice. I don't believe what it says, but it speaks up anyway.
Having said that, I will tell you once again, I do NOT want to teach K-12 ANYTHING. No kiddie classes, No high school, No charter schools, no, no, no. I thought I was clear on that. I want to teach foundations college level. I do NOT want to teach children. I guess you missed that part too.

Michelle said...

sheree, I know how you feel, thoug you seem to know mre of what yu want than I do. I have aplied for a ton (30-40) jobsin the last few weeks and not one sueek of a call back. And I am a pretty good catch if Ido say so myself :) I just tell myself that it is not meant to be, when it is the right thing, it will happpen.
Found you from Paula's blog.

deb said...

oh wizzle, stop listening to those monkeys... no I mean it STOP LISTENING TO THOSE MONKEYS, they want to you play it safe and stay where you are, they are afraid of growth and change, they will cut your legs out from under you every single time. Go back to your brag book, look at how INCREDIBLY accomplished you are, keep on being you... your perfect job is waiting out there for you, maybe it isn't one of these jobs, but also realistically many committees take 3-6 months to make even preliminary decisions, DO NOT GIVE UP. How will I hold on to hope without you and your scrappiness!!
I am sending you love and blessings... dryadart

Sheree Rensel said...

This is the part I don't understand. Why did you think I was listening (to the Black Muse) this time when the last part of the post talks about how I am not listening. In fact, I rebuke and defy the messages being sent.

Either people aren't reading to the end of the post or I am not expressing my point very well. This is not a negative post at all. At least it isn't meant to be. The whole idea was to show that I am NOT paying attention to the negative mind tape. Take the last paragraph:

"“Illegitimi non carborundum”

I won’t let THEM get me down. I am applying and applying and applying and applying until I die. At LEAST when my pulse has stopped, it can be said she did the very best to reach out for her DREAM."

Does that sound like I am giving up? It doesn't to me. In fact, I sound pretty "scrappy" as you put it.

Oh well. I guess people didn't get the gist of this post. Oh well. I did my best.

deb said...

sheree, sorry if I misread your post...