Monday, December 1, 2008

Art Blog: Creative Head Tripping

“I don't think of myself as making art. I do what I do because I want to, because painting is the best way I've found to get along with myself.”
Robert Rauschenberg

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. The Universe is doing a real number on my head. I guess this is another art LIFE lesson. I was preparing to go back to work today. Last night I sat and thought about this past nine days of working strictly as an artist. It was so wonderful. I got so much done. I felt so rejuvenated and refreshed. Today was a very good day at work. I was happy. The students were happy. I realized how content I felt. I haven’t felt this way in a long time. As I worked today, I came across the Rauschenberg quote written above. It was such perfect timing for me to read that quote. I too find I get along with myself much better when I focus on creativity. I came home and immediately started working on an art idea. It is exciting because it is one of those ideas you can’t wait to get done.

Joyously, I concluded this past week I really love my life here. I love my nice, quiet house with all my stuff in it. My whole, happy world lives within these walls. I love having my studio right here. I love this area of the country. I even love the money and security my job provides me. (I am just worried the students are going to help me have a nervous breakdown. LOL) However, if I didn’t have this job I couldn’t buy all my art supplies, computer equipment, pay art fees, or mail out all these art packages I completed this week. I think having these days off offered me time to relax and think a bit more clearly. My attitude has improved immensely and I have been basking in my own contentment.

Then the head tripping stuff came:

As I worked on my new art project this afternoon, I got an email from one of the colleges to which I sent application materials. The email was asking if I was still interested in the job and some other questions that got me all in a tizzy. My whole insides got stirred up and that little voice of panic started yelling “Get me out of here, get me out of here…” all over again. There goes my CALM. I actually had to get myself together. My heart started palpitating. I felt like flapping my arms like wings. I thought:
"Darn it UNIVERSE! Why do you do stuff like this? I was finally feeling like I was smooth sailing and then the boat starts to rock again!”
Hmmmmmmmmmmm. I know this has to do with something I am supposed to learn. It will become crystal clear as time goes on. I just wish I knew what it is all about right now!
Argghhhhhhhh!! LOL LOL


Just like Rauschenberg “ERASED DeKooning”, I have to learn to erase this tendency to be so anxious. It can be a new page in my book of emotional spirit. I have to admit, I am getting better at this, but I am not quite there yet. Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

5 comments:

namastenancy said...

LOL! Plus mucho sympathy! I think that the anxiety comes with being an artist. I know that decisions like this would throw me into a tizzy. I try hot tea, a long walk complete with talking to myself - a time honored SF tradition and if that doesn't work, an old homeopathic remedy called Calms Forte. It helps me calm down even if it doesn't help with difficult decisions.

Hotel key card printing said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Sheree Rensel said...

Nancy,
I am still working at finding my remedy. Last night the thing that worked for me is putting my footie pajamas on and going to bed very early. I have to get a grip though. I can't sleep my life away! LOL
:-)

deb said...

I love how honest you are here, thanks again for just being you.

Sheree Rensel said...

Deb,
This comment means so much to me. This is because I try to be brutally honest. I want to write from the heart. I am being me because that is all I can be. I FINALLY realize that. Thank you so much for appreciating that fact.
:-)