Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Art Blog: “ME” Bootcamp

Why do we keep doing the same things over and over even though they don’t bring happiness to our lives?
Are the fears of change and insecurity that powerful?

I have just about two weeks left of my “vacation”. Well, the past few months have not been a vacation. I have worked my ass off. I really mean the break from my day job will end. Seeing the light at the end of this summer tunnel has brought on the annual feelings of anxiety. This will be my 17th year doing the same things over and over at my day job. Obviously, it couldn’t be that bad. I mean, nobody is forcing me to keep driving there every morning. Nevertheless, I still feel this twinge of discomfort.

My nervous anticipation is heightened because there will be many changes at my job this year. I am not really good with change. (Obviously, if I embraced change, I would have switched jobs by now!! LOL LOL) Understanding how I am and how I can be, I decided to take the bull by the horns and do some soul searching for the next two weeks.

I call this plan the “ME BOOTCAMP”. In order to galvanize my emotional self, I want to get myself back into a routine. I am readjusting my eating habits. I am hitting the fitness bandwagon hard and taking care of my physical needs. I am making efforts to read and stimulate my brain. I plan on revisiting my spiritual side via candles, music, and meditation. I have started a new journal. I want to gain a state of equipoise and balance. I really want to tackle my fear of uncertainty. Also, I need to think about what I want to do with the rest of my life.

Seriously. I am suffering from “BeenThereDoneThatitis”. Every time I start thinking of things I might want to do, it seems boring to me. I have done it before. I don’t really have any goals other than to eat today. At the moment, apathy reigns in my life. I don’t really have any kind of grand desires or ambitions right now. This is even true for my art. I am going through a stage in which I want to make art, but I don’t want to enter shows. I don’t want to try to sell it. I don’t CARE about any of that right now. I guess that is one of my predicaments. I don’t see the point anymore.

Let me explain. Years ago, I can remember living my art life feverishly. I made art with a speed and passion that created sparks. There was always another exhibition deadline. There was always the next step and goal for which to reach. Now, I make all this art and there are no great shows. There are few deadlines and even less sales. I shouldn't complain. I have accomplished a whole lot in my life so far. Yet now, I feel like there is no future.
This is not good.

So what is a girl to do? It is so easy for me to list the things I do NOT want to do. I don’t want to travel. I don’t want to take part in any kind of social activities. I don’t want to leave St. Petersburg or my little art house. I do want to continue to make art here, but I am not really seeing the rationale of that choice. I do want to work a day job that is fulfilling and for a good cause. I just don’t want the stress and negativity that goes along with my current position.
This is why I am taking the next couple of weeks to think about all this stuff. In essence, I want to figure out what I want to be when I grow up all over again.



Tita Mama said...

I am so right there with you that I could have written the very same post. I would have never thought that at my age (59) I would again be trying to find myself and discover what I want to be when I grow up. I look forward to your posts on this subject. Do you think two weeks is enough time?!

Sheree Rensel said...

You have no idea how happy I was this morning to find this comment here. I am so happy, I am going to dedicate my next blog entry to you!

You see, it seems whenever I write posts that really dig deep into my emotions, I get few or no responses. In fact, I can look down my list of posts and see how many comments each post received. There is a very obvious running thread. Any entries I post dealing with true emotions are pretty much ignored. At least, people just don't say ANYTHING.

When I woke up this morning, I actually thought of deleting this blog entry. I thought "People don't want to hear about what I am really thinking." I guess I have to write only about light and happy stuff(?)" Before I deleted this post, I saw your comment. So I am keeping it up. If even one person can relate, that makes me feel I did a good job.

Is two weeks enough?? Oh NO NO NO! The last time I did a "Me Bootcamp" it took nearly a year to make big changes. I just do the camp in two week increments so it isn't so overwhelming to me. So this is just the beginning of this newest bootcamp. Stay tuned. I still have a long way to go.

Thanks so much for reading and thanks even more for you comment!!

Tita Mama said...

Sheree ~ you are most welcome.

deb said...

have been absent from blog-o-sphere myself, sick kids, dying friend, and so missed your post, I always feel that the new school year is a beginning, more like new year for me than January, so I seem to make resolutions right around this time. I am reading the Dali Lama's book on happiness, I am trying to change how my mind behaves, sounds like you are to. Hope that the journey goes well for you, I will miss your spunkiness while you are taking a break, you really are an inspiration to me with your drive and energy, so be well.

Diana said...

"I am suffering from 'BeenThereDoneThatitis'"

Thank you, thank you. I was feeling like the only person with this bewildering condition.

It comes and goes, I try to lift up the blanket on my ambition but it gets heavy sometimes. At 56 and retired from a life-long career in Graphic Design (apart from my fine art), I am sooo over so many things I used to enjoy.

What I can't figure out is what you're supposed to do when the fire burns so low it flickers and almost goes out? I do love art, I do. But sometimes it just ISN'T ENOUGH.

I think I'm underfed in other areas and so haven't the spirit to play.