Saturday, June 26, 2010

Art Blog: Art Life CHOICES

“Perspectival Response”
Graphite on Paper

This drawing is about looking at things in a new way. It is about taking a new perspective. It is about contemplation. It is about searching for the light bulb moments in your life.

This past year has been like no other. Every one of us has to experience life and all the ebbs and flows that go with it. I wasn’t ready for this shift in the tide. However, I am starting to put it all together with a lot of self reflection and deliberation. All I know is I need to make a DECISION.

So what is the problem? I have never had any problem at all with decisions. Ordinarily, I think of the issue, have a thought, and then act on it. So what is the big deal? The real problem is I have been so blindsided by the events of the past year, I have been rendered stunned. I couldn’t make a decision because I didn’t really know what was happening!
Today I had to go out and do dreaded yard work. I hate yard work, but it is a necessary evil.

As I worked and got dirty, I kept thinking and thinking and thinking. One thought lead to another and POOF! I made a decision. I kept thinking about my so called “art life” and laughed. This is not the kind of art life I want or have ever wanted. I decided to do a bit of accounting. What are the good things now?

My daughter is all grown up, happy, and thriving. CHECK!

I have had the experience of teaching for many years and I have had much great success. CHECK!

I have finally got the house I always wanted and love dearly. CHECK!

My ART life should be better, but I am doing new art stuff that makes me happy. My new online ”Git Outta My Face Gallery is one of those things that makes me smile. CHECK!

So while I was on my knees pulling weeds and planting new flowers, I was haunted by this photo of my old studio.

Despite the mess and chaos, my daughter learned to walk in this room. She struggled to take steps as she walked over found objects and hammers. She did it though. I struggled too during this era. I had to deal with a precarious financial status, but things always seemed to work out. Go figure.

As I dug my bare hands into the soil working on my new flower bed, I realized it always works out for me. I feel stupid for having doubts. I want this old art life back. I want to learn to walk again surrounded by wonderful, creative energy. I want that for myself now. I just need to make it work.

I have made a decision.


gilda said...

Hello Sheree....
It is a wonderful journey, reading your posts. I have no doubt that whatever your decision it that it is the RIGHT one. They all have been, and have made you the artist and person that you are....

Sheree Rensel said...

My dear Gilda,
Do you know how special you are to me? You have been there the entire time. You KNOW. You KNOW.

I have to be a bit nebulous and evasive because of things like google searches. I can't lay out my entire plan. My goodness, just about my entire life is out there on the web. I have to be private about some things.

However, the bottom line is I want to be happy again. I remember you calling me up to come to a party years ago. (The party with the dress lift incident). When you asked me to come, I declined. I felt bad because I didn't have enough money to contribute to the party. Well in the following hours, I figured out a way to work it out.

We danced around the backyard and had a glorious time. I hold that memory so close to my heart. I was living hand to mouth back then.

I am not saying I want to go back to that kind of living, but I do want to feel that freedom, joy, and happiness I felt that night. I want it and I am going to get it back.
I just want to be happy again.
Love you SO MUCH!

gilda said...

Love you sooo much too! I am too at a crossroads, mental, physical, and professional, and have begun mapping out my plans. Don't know how these plans will manifest themselves, but,like you, am loath to discuss them out loud in 'forums'. No security there at all!

Suffice it to say that for both of us the change is taking place, and we are in charge. We always have and always will have dominion over our choices.....