Wednesday, November 24, 2010


It all started a few days ago when I just threw in the towel. I can’t keep doing this. It is ridiculous. I feel like a hamster on a wheel, running and running and running. I am going nowhere fast. Two days ago, I just STOPPED.

I have been trying to make up for last year. We all need really crappy years like this once in a while to remind us of the GOOD times. However for some weird reason, I have been in a panic mode. It seems I want to make up for lost time or something. I really don’t know why I have been intentionally burning the candle at both ends. I do know for sure if I keep this up, I am going to fry myself crispy. My bad.

So two days ago, I took a moment to just say “no more”. Despite the feeling I need to work my butt off for my job, I decided not to anymore. I have to use time when I am not at work to do my REAL work. I want to focus on my art and I refuse to let this desire drift farther and farther away. I think the vision of my hand reaching to grab it before it floats away forever is the reason I am putting an end to my day job work mania. This is not to say I will flounder or become a bad employee. It just means I will work (very well) during the times they are paying me. All the other hours are mine, all mine. Any artist who has a day job to support themselves knows exactly what I am talking about here. I know. You know. We both know.

The first step of action was to start to DESTRESS. I got out my candles and watched them flicker for the past two nights. It is ironic. Get it: Candles burning at both ends, sit and watch candles to destress? Ok. So I have a way to go yet. LOL LOL

Last night, I decided to turn on my Lava lamp and just watch the bubbles float. It took every morsel of energy in my body to just calm down and relax for a change. I laughed at the globs and blobs as they drifted up and down. I thought “I need this……..”

Today I spent the day shopping. I bought a gift for a friend. I bought all kinds of things to cook for Thanksgiving dinner. I bought some art supplies. I just browsed through stores I haven’t been in for years. I kept telling myself it is OK Sheree to enjoy your life right now. You don’t have to prove a damn thing.

When I got home from shopping, I pulled out a huge, weird ornament I found on sale and hung it in my purple computer room. It reminds of how THANKFUL I am. I am thankful to be an artist; I am thankful to have a job; I am thankful to be able to possess candles, Lava lamps, and ornaments; I am thankful I have a nice, comfortable house to enjoy my silly and stupid treasures. I am thankful I can afford to have a computer to type this post. I am thankful I live in a calm, peaceful environment. LuLu (my pup) and I get along just fine. We are thriving on the tranquility of our home.

In other words, I am THANKFUL for my life as it is.

Good and bad, it is mine and I treasure it.

It is the season to look at stupid, but pretty (in its own way) holiday crap. This purple baby will hang in my home year round. Welcome to our family of bizarre but interesting ephemera! :-)

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

An Artist’s Flaw

Some of you will understand this. Some of you will not. Either way, I am just putting it out there because I have thought about this for decades. Artists are not perfect. They have so many great attributes. Yet, sometimes things go awry. We can act and feel differently at times. We are unique. This is not a good or bad thing. It just IS.

One thing that has concerned me about my artist’s life is how relationships have been so hard or non-existent. I just thought I was defective. Seriously, my entire life I haven’t cared if I had relationships or had close bonds. If other people appeared in my life, it was just an ancillary thing. They are there, they will go away soon. Relationships have never been important to me. As long as I was alone with me and my art, I was fine. I know. I know. This sounds so sad and terrible. However, I am telling the truth.

I have held the guilt of my miserable, antisocial attitude for years. However, I have been enlightened and realized this is not something unique to Sheree Rensel the artist. As I watch Alice Neel videos, she mentions being this way too. She speaks on issues of relationships with men and even the fact she was more interested in her art than her children. How could she say that???????? I know some of you are probably shocked and appalled. I am not. I get it.

Then I watched a Philip Glass bio video. It was so sad that he and his wife had to split. The wife explained that Mr. Glass is just too focused on his work. It seems he loved having a family, but he didn’t spend enough time to nurture and help his family grow to be strong. He was too busy making his art. I get this too. I didn't think he was a bad guy at all. I think his circumstance is sad, but I understand the dilemma. I really do get this.

It isn’t that certain people (artists) are heartless or self centered. It is just some of us are so focused on what we do and want to accomplish, everything and everybody becomes invisible. It is a drive that is almost unexplainable unless you feel it yourself.

I do and I apologize to all those in my life that I have ignored. I can’t help it. This is just the way I am.

Sometimes artist’s brains are on eternal FOCUS.

We can’t help that.