Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Art Blog: MOOD (Disorders?)

PREFACE: (I posted this entry weeks ago and then took it down. I had a few impeding job applications out there. I wanted to be a bit more discreet. Now, I have NOTHING pending, so let her roll…………….)

I don’t go to therapists anymore. I did at one time. I tried it. I realized it wasn’t really for me. I was told there wasn’t anything wrong with me except I had a diagnosis of “Mood Disorders NOS”. I am sure you understand the mood disorders part. The NOS means “Not otherwise specified”. Shrinks use this label when you just don’t fit into any particular category. Your issues are nebulous and indefinable. Whatever…………………… Yes. I am an odd duck even when it comes to psychiatry.

I have my own thoughts about psycho babble, I do agree with the mood disorder thing. They got that right. My moods are all over the place. I can’t even pin them down. One day I am so happy and then something will happen and I can get so low I become a zombie. I remember one therapist who would greet me at the door and say “Sheree, what happened?” She could see it on my face. It was then when I started to realize that life events were affecting me in ways that changed my world in bizarre and tortured ways. Seriously. Inside my head, I have a constant battle of happy and all too, too terrible sadness.

I mean scary sad.

The great part of all of this is that I know the program. I understand how I am. I understand how I think. I understand how I feel. I am old enough, experienced enough, and wise enough to know what is happening and knowing how to deal with it. The strange thing is the older I get, the harder it gets. I don’t know if this is a physiological thing or just coincidence. What I do know is that I spend a whole lot of time thinking way too much about my artist happiness and battling a seemingly, never-ending, relentless struggle with the demons. I just want to find my art comfort zone. Is that asking too much?

The world is a crazy place right now. I can’t even begin to describe how my world (and your world?) is rocking right now. I am not even sure all my coping skills are still relevant. I am just going day to day trying to find happiness and a way to survive using my tried and very true skills. This is an odd search. I guess it is an “NOS” endeavor. The smile on my face and happiness in my heart is still “Not otherwise specified”.

I think I need clarification. Maybe the work and terrifically, arduous effort I am putting into changing my life will help. We will see………………………………….

(Click pic for detail)
Yes. I have a mind of an artist and I am glad. This is ONE thing I am absolutely sure. I am thankful to be an artist.

Happy Thanksgiving!

1 comment:

jt-stpete said...

This post reminded me of when I used to post my thoughts on a web site before people even used the word "blog." At the time, I wanted to see if posting things daily would cause me to become desensitized to the fear that anyone could be reading what I was sharing about myself. It was a one person sociology experiment and performance piece all at once. Sure enough...the familiarity with the process turned into a opening-up of myself to my readers. I ended up sharing things that I never would have dreamed of sharing when I first started. I found it quite liberating. That was more than a decade ago.