Thursday, November 17, 2011

Art Blog: Wondering WHY?

Have you ever sat in your studio all alone, gazed at your work, and wondered WHY you were given this talent but so few appreciate it or seem to care? I guess I am thinking in a money sense. I mean if your work is as good as you think, why don’t you have more sales? That is a rhetorical question. The quality of your work has nothing to do with it really. There are all kinds of variables involved. However, I have had those moments in which I want to shake my fist at GOD. WHY did you make me an artist if I can’t survive through this hard and devoted work? Of course, there are no immediate answers. Lightning does not come down and strike. Usually, I just cool off, pick up my paintbrush, and paint more.

I am feeling this same way right now about my life in general. I have worked so hard and accomplished so much. If you read this blog, you know I want to rearrange my life. I want things to be different. I want new challenges. I have done the work and have my supplies. My educational and experience arsenals are full. I am ready for the next new adventure! I have prepared for the opportunities to come. I am ready. Apparently the UNIVERSE thinks otherwise.

I was flipping through my old videos and I found one called “Finding Myself”. I watched it. This video is dated 2008. I couldn’t believe I was saying the same things then as I am STILL saying today. Believe me; I have been trying to find my new life. I have files and files of applications, vision boards, and secret messages to myself about how I want my future to be. It has been THREE years. I can’t believe this. However, the proof is in the date stamp. This boggles my mind.

Yesterday, I sent out another application. It was for a great job. It was a perfect job for me. Besides being a visual artist, I am a wordsmith. All day today, I thought about the possibilities. I envisioned myself doing the job. I have a history of knowing about the employer. I have experience doing this type of work. I knew for sure, this was (I thought) a sign. Well. This afternoon, I got a rejection email. Wow, I think that is a record!! I got rejected in less than 24 hours. Wowy Zowy! LOL NOT

I know for sure I could do this job with awesomeness attached. The employer thought otherwise. This is fine. They need and want what they need and want. So, I am still standing in the same place. I am standing in the same place. I am STILL standing in the same place and I am wondering WHY? I am not wondering why I got rejected from this one job. I am wondering why I have been rejected from three years worth of job applications. I am wondering why I have so much to offer with proven success and nobody wants me. Nobody cares. NOBODY.

Hmmmmmmmmmm…………I am not going to continue to whine and cry. I speak of a sculpture titled “TRUTH” in this video. I know the truth. The truth is I know I have done everything I could do to be prepared for a wonderful future. The truth is I have past experience and talent that is amazing. The truth is I have to be patient for a longer time. I might not like this, but it is the truth.

Also, I have to stop wondering why. I don’t think there is a logical answer. All I know is: it is what it is. Wondering why just makes me crazy and sad. The truth is nothing makes sense. I cannot make sense out of nonsense. This is what I have learned so far in my long life of energy, achievements, and accomplishments. Wondering why is a moot point. So my solution right now is to just cool off, pick up my paintbrush, and paint more.

Wondering why is useless.

(Click pic to watch my vlog)

OH! P.S. Thank you Gilda Snowden for writing an arm hair raising reference letter for me. I was wrong. Some people do care. Thank you Gilda.

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