I put this photo of some art I made in the past online today to accompany a Facebook post. After it loaded, I just sat there and looked at it. It was like looking at a photo of an old boyfriend. I remember when............... As I stared at this painting I realized what a liar I have become. I have been trying so hard to fit in and/or get some kind of response from any art community, I have lost myself. When I looked at this little collage, I thought "This is the real me. This is Sheree's real art." I stopped doing it because it was not popular. It did not sell. So goes the story of my life.
In the past year, I have tried so hard to fit into some kind of bizarre mold of my mind. I have tried to be a part of this or that "scene". I have tried to support others in hopes they would reciprocate. That didn't happen. In fact, I am basically in the same place I was a year or two ago. Oh, I have had things happen in my art life, but none of it had to do with my plan to try to fit into the local scene. I am still pretty much ignored here. Am I being too honest? Yes, probably so. Also, I have been trying so hard to be airy, fairy, Universal spirited. Let things just happen. Live in the moment. Be your authentic self. Well, I can't really be my true self. That gets me into too much trouble. I am too outspoken. I can't stand biting my tongue all the time. I am doing these bizarre art projects that have nothing to do with my real aesthetic. In other words, my big plan is a big flop.
I will be honest now. I am spitting a huge glob into the wind. My feelings have been hurt. I really wanted some acceptance for my art life in the past year. I was hoping to make friends and be invited into shows. I even tried to do work that could be appropriate and fit into the status quo art scene. This plan didn't work and I feel kind of foolish. I need to get back on track. My OWN track. I remember once seeing a video with Janet Fish and she was talking about her own art. She told of how she realized the art market preferred to collect male artist's work. She went on to say, when she realized this, she decided to make whatever she wanted. She had nothing to lose. I understand her point. I am not of her NY stature, but I understand the underlying logic.
I have nothing to lose either. For as much attention or appreciation I have received in the past year, I might as well make sculptures out of cockroach dung. I mean really. The skies have opened and I am free to do what I want. Why not. If nobody else cares, at least I can. I think a lockdown, painting marathon is in order. I bet I will create a bunch of art nobody cares about too. Nobody except me and that is all good.
I am just being honest.